My Life Feels like a Circus

My life feels like a circus. Always has. Who is the presenter of all the acts on the stage? You are right, it is Yours Truly.

I am the ever perfect juggler; the one that people gawk at in admiration. I know I make the juggling of the balls seem so effortless and all of you are convinced that I have an extra pair of hands.

I am the clown. You cannot fail to notice the person clothed in bright colours; oh, and the characteristic red nose. I am stupid, weird, bizarre, funny all in a bid to make you people laugh. Of course you do; and anyway, what is a circus without a clown?

I am the person who makes the tiger forget that I could be a source of food. I have trained him to obey my commands. When someone else tries to take my role without me overseeing, he/she becomes a happy meal for the tiger.

Daredevil stunt acts? Those are my favourite. Eating and breathing fire is my forte. Do you know I risk burns, both internal and external, in pursuit of my art? Yet I do not waver. I do not allow such thoughts cross my mind when I am performing.

Every day the admiration, the transcending applause, the great demand for autographs lift me higher and higher. I work so hard, have many sleepless nights because I want to

I have fears though. What if one ball falls as I juggle them? What if one day I try as hard as I can to make people laugh but the response I get is, “Next joke!” What if one day the tiger turns on me and I become its happy meal? What if I get burns as I breath fire? What if I fall while walking the tight rope?

What will people say when I fail? Will I survive the embarrassment? I cannot imagine being the butt of all jokes. That feeling you get when the very people who lifted you high up now drop you because you have become too heavy. I cannot imagine. That is why I work so hard for the people.

This is a terrible kind of life, and I know I am not alone in this. I am reminded of Lecrae’s quote; “If you live for people’s approval you will die of their rejection.” I want to reach the point where I can say, “But should I fall, I am still free from it all.” ( from the song Free From It All – Lecrae featuring Mathai) Free from the critics, the naysayers because I am not working to prove them wrong or to please them.The only way to get there is not by pleasing people but by working to please God. 🙂

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