I usually shy away from talking about matters of the heart but today I will, thanks to the wild voices in my head screaming, “Tell your story! Someone needs it!”
I believe that everything should be intentional, including dating. However, in the past, I dated just to fit in. I hated myself as I thought that I was not pretty and that I had the worst personality in the world. When any guy came along and told me that I was beautiful and he loved me I would fall for his charms before he even finishes dropping his pick up line. I am not exaggerating. What followed was being used and being dumped afterwards. I hopped into other relationships within few days, not even taking time to heal because I believed that I could not live without a guy in my life who would constantly highlight my strengths, tell me that I am his and that he loves me… sigh. (I guess this is because I have never met my biological father. Story for another day)
I ignored the fact that I was broken. I amassed too much hurt from several relationships. We serve a God who mends our broken hearts, who is willing to take away our burdens when we go to Him. Had I not gone to Him I believe I would have taken away my life. I learnt that we have to love ourselves first then everything will fall into place, and feel God’s great love towards us. 🙂 We are precious, we should not allow several men to just go away with pieces of us.
After the struggle of moving on and forgiving myself I decided that that the next relationship I was going to get into would be more than shallow conversations and small talk. That it would be about building each other, helping each other become better, sharing hopes, dreams, aspirations…
I was more than grateful to meet a guy with all that in mind. He loved me genuinely and cherished me. We had priceless deep conversations. Oh how his love intoxicated me! Of course we would have small arguments but we sorted out our issues quickly. When we were together, the world would be forgotten momentarily as we entered in our own little world. Pure bliss!
Then one day, out of the blues, he decided to bid me goodbye. My fairy tale hit an abrupt ending. I cannot explain the hurt that I felt. I started feeling that I am not worthy enough, good enough, pretty enough. Why else would people keep walking in and out of my life?
During that hard time, I understood that not everyone is meant to be in my life. God lets people go and He knows why. I might not understand why at that point, but later I will. (I later got to know something not very good about that guy; I had overlooked that when I was drunk in love. Continuing to date him would have brought me untold suffering and misery) I learnt that as I go through the painful times of losing loved ones I should trust God because He knows why He allows that to happen, and He always has good plans for my life.