Shameful Pride

Today I decided to take a personality test online to try figure out this mass of complicated existence (me). Let me digress a bit; people usually say I have very harsh words for myself. I have denied vehemently in the past but it has become evident to me today, to be precise, now. Why have I even called myself ‘mass of complicated existence’? I am tempted to press the backspace key continuously and then restart my post. Let me just continue writing. (A bad start to a post does not lead to a bad ending, does it?) I am pretty sure they are many others who have harsh words for themselves, calling themselves all the negative adjectives in the superlative form. Let us be gentle to ourselves 🙂

Okay okay okay, back to the main point. So one question in the personality test got me thinking. It was: Do you think of yourself as greater than others? My fierce shield of denial came to life immediately I saw the question. I rarely boast of my achievements, why would I even think of myself as greater when I have such harsh words for myself? When so many people have described me as humble?

As we all know, THE reality always overpowers OUR CONCEPTION (read misconception) of reality. It dawned on me that I, Unebelle, have fallen victim of self-aggrandizement not once, not twice, but so many times. This feeling especially comes when I have performed better than other people in certain areas of life. I try really hard to stay humble, however, pride overtakes me. I stroke my ego, telling myself there is no one like Unebelle, no one can beat her. Even when all odds are against her, she still manages to stay on top. Sometimes, the pride cannot be contained in this small container called my body (there you go, harsh words again) and it spills over. I start boasting of my achievements to all and sundry, in a subtle way. As much as I hate to admit this, I have to say this; I am a braggart. Internally, and sometimes externally. Despite the fact that I have at times failed miserably those areas, my pride has refused to go away.

Time to cut myself some some slack. Beneath all the harsh words I have said to myself lies one beautiful thing, admission of pride. That is very crucial in the process of change. I tried changing some undesirable habits in the past but I failed because I assumed I could do it all by myself. We cannot do it by ourselves, but we can overcome with the help of God. May God help me to be humble.

I have been so open with you people, not to show you how terrible I am, but to encourage you to be honest with yourselves, and see which areas of your life need change. Even after you uncover all the not-so-good things, don’t be harsh with yourself, like I have been. We are only human. 🙂

James 4:13-16 : Now listen to me, you that say, “Today or tomorrow we will travel to a certain city where we will stay a year and go into business and make a lot of money.”  You don’t even know what your life tomorrow will be! You are like a puff of smoke, which appears for a moment and then disappears. What you should say is this: “If the Lord is willing, we will live and do this and that.” But now you are so proud, and you boast; all that boasting is wrong. (Good News Bible)

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